Why the 'pick-me girl' label is harmful to women
What's the story
You have probably noticed the term "pick-me girl" popping up in social media comments and must have heard your friends using the phrase quite often. It has been making waves on social media lately. While it can be a fun and educational platform, social media can also become incredibly toxic, to the extent that it qualifies as a harassment platform, especially for women.
Pick-Me
What does it mean to be a pick-me girl?
A pick-me girl is the "cool girl," she is the "not like other girls" girl. She often distances herself from other girls, claiming she gets along better with men or boys. She belittles women who embrace mainstream or traditionally feminine behavior or things. She is the one who would disregard women's issues and feminism, just to gain some validation and acceptance from men.
CharacteristicsÂ
What does pick-me behavior look like?
A 'pick-me' girl denounces stereotypically feminine actions, like wearing makeup. She is someone who boasts about having predominantly male friends, as she can't tolerate "girl drama." She is also someone who agrees with or expresses anti-feminist sentiments to align with men. She also asserts that she is low maintenance as compared to other girls and professes traditionally masculine interests like watching sports.
Easy to pick on
Whether consciously or unconsciously, the motive is seeking male validation
These girls are easy to pick on because their behavior towards the interests, mannerisms, lifestyle choices, and hobbies of other girls appears insincere and is ultimately rooted in misogyny. They don't hesitate to belittle and put down other women in order to seek attention and validation from men, even if they may not consciously realize that this is often their underlying motive.
Internalized misogyny
Wrapped up in the complexities of internalized misogyny
To understand why a 'pick-me' girl behaves the way she does, it is important to understand "internalized misogyny." This refers to the phenomenon where some women hold negative feelings towards their own gender, often unconsciously. A 'pick-me' girl may proudly exhibit loyalty towards men while distancing herself from other women without fully understanding why. It takes self-reflection and awareness to unpack these underlying motivations.
Primal behavior
Relationship coach explains it as a primal behavior of courtship
Relationship coach and author Catherine Wilde says, "These pick-me traits are a form of courtship in which individuals attempt to increase their chances of being chosen as a mate by engaging in behaviors that make them more attractive to the opposite sex," as she explained to Refinery29. Much like many male animals who tear their opponents down to show females, they're the superior mate.
Double-edged sword
Shaming 'pick-me' girls for misogyny reinforces misogyny
The issue of 'pick-me' girls is complex and can lead to conflicting viewpoints. While these girls are often shamed for being misogynistic, shaming them also amounts to being misogynistic. Women should be allowed to have different opinions and make choices based on their own preferences, like opting out of wearing makeup or enjoying sports, without it being solely for male attention or validation.
Male version
'Nice guy' syndrome: Male version of 'pick-me'
While the term 'pick-me' girl is gendered, there are male versions of pick-me behavior called "simps," or sometimes referred to as "nice guys." These men present themselves as kind and considerate towards women, championing women's issues and feminist agendas but often expect romantic or sexual favors in return. And if their expectations aren't met, they immediately become resentful.